A landing party prepares to beam down to planet Salsa 3 (a spicy tomato planet) but when a message arrives suggesting they beam down a tactical team, Spock becomes suspicious. Everyone scoffs. Oh Spock, lighten up you old stick-in-the-mud. Spock’s concerns, however, turn out to be justified for when he, Kirk, Bones and three limited life expectancy crewmen materialise, trouble rears its ugly head almost immediately. Within minutes a crewman is killed, the Enterprise is attacked and the landing party can’t beam up. Shoulda listened to the Spockmeister!
On the Enterprise, things have gotten bad: they’ve had to raise their ‘screens’. Must be expecting a Mosquito attack.
As bombs rain down upon the landing party, Kirk runs from his shelter into an unprotected open area. What do they teach at Starfleet Academy these days? Nevertheless, his foolhardy efforts lead him to a tennis ball launcher, into which he loads a blue ball and fires it. Phew. Area secured.
The Enterprise beams up Kirk, Spock and Bones and they set off in hot pursuit of the alien vessel who had attacked them and Salsa 3. Kirk steps on the go-go juice and cranks the Enterprise engines up to Warp 7. A sustained Warp 7 could result in the ship exploding (which is not good for morale). Spock starts moaning about how killing the aliens is unnecessary, but his words are drowned out as Kirk shifts up to warp 8 and breaks out the nukes.
Just as he readies himself for action, the ship comes to a complete halt and everyone lurches forward. They really should install seatbelts, especially at warp speed. A voice informs Kirk that they have been stopped by the Metrons. They are going to resolve the conflict by putting Kirk and the captain of the enemy vessel (The Gorn) onto a planet to duke it out. The winner can go free. The loser will be destroyed along with his ship.
Quite what’s in it for the Metrons is unclear. Surely if the two ships were about to fight, one would be destroyed anyway, so the Metrons’ intervention is quite unnecessary. Nevertheless, Kirk and the Gorn captain are taken from their ships and materialise on a barren planet.
The two warriors are told that the planet has weapons, but only if they know how to use them. So Kirk starts off by throwing a rock at the Gorn. It bounces off him as if made out of polystyrene. Which it probably is. The Gorn retaliates by picking up a boulder and throws it at Kirk. Kirk side-steps it. Kirk then sees an even bigger boulder on top of a cliff. Inspired by Roadrunner cartoons, Kirk runs up the cliff and waits for the Gorn to walk underneath it. That is, to walk to the exact spot under the cliff where the boulder will land. The Gorn obliges and gets hit by the rock. However, even this cannot stop the Gorn.
The crew on board the Enterprise observe what’s going on. Spock sees Kirk running through the desert. He notices some powder on the ground and says to himself that unless he’s mistaken, that substance is potassium nitrate! What? Is this for real? He recognises a powder and knows what sort of chemical compound it is?
The Gorn captain contacts Kirk and tells him that the colony on Salsa 3 was an intrusion on their space. The reason for their attack was to defend their territory. Well, Captain Gorn, why didn’t you say so? All is forgiven! Not.
Kirk suddenly figures out that the power he’s been sprinkling on his chips was potassium nitrate, and remembers seeing a sulphur deposit earlier and also recalls seeing some coal and hey presto! He realises he has all the ingredients to make gunpowder!
(Seriously, I’m not making this up.)
Spock, watching, says “Gooooood, goooooood”, because he too knows what’s going on. He also watches as Kirk uses a hollow tube and rocks to build a cannon, not too dissimilar to the one he used on Salsa 3. What is this? McGuyver?
At the rate the Gorn approaches, Kirk should just have enough time to assemble it, take cover, set the fuse, order a pizza, learn Japanese up to Standard Grade level and build a set of patio furniture, before the Gorn reaches him.
Boom! The Gorn takes a direct hit.
Kirk approaches to finish the job, but at the last minute decides Spock was right all along and they should just try to make friends. At this point a glowing Metron appears, acknowledges that everything has worked out for the best and sends the Enterprise halfway across the Galaxy. That wasn’t very nice now was it?
Cast:
William Shatner as James T. Kirk
Leonard Nimoy as Spock
DeForest Kelley as Leonard H. McCoy
James Doohan as Montgomery Scott
Nichelle Nichols as Uhura
George Takei as Hikaru Sulu
Guest Cast:
Carole Shelyne as Metron
Vic Perrin as Metron’s voice
Gary Coombs as Gorn Captain
Bobby Clark as Gorn Captain
Vic Perrin as Gorn’s voice
Grant Woods as Lt. Commander Kelowitz
Tom Troupe as Lt. Harold
Eddie Paskey as Lt. Leslie
Sean Kenney as Lt. DePaul
Creative Staff:
Director: Joseph Pevney
Teleplay By: Gene L. Coon
Story By: Fredric Brown
